Thursday, April 28, 2011

Far From Over It

My older sister, "Gigi" and I have been estranged since July 2009 due to our differences of opinion re: managing our ill mother's affairs and, after her death in 2010, settling her estate. I've blogged about this in detail in previous posts, if gory details are desired.

Our mother did no estate planning, and she had an insane approach to managing her wealth. When she became completely incapacitated after a stroke in January 2009, I invoked the Power of Attorney she had granted me years before. I then embarked on MANY months of identifying and unravelling the rat's nest of her investment portfolio (which wound up being several hundred different financial instruments spread across more than 15 financial institutions - all of which had different processes, requirements, and hoops to jump through to enable some estate planning to happen). It was a never-ending, stressful nightmare, made worse by also dealing with our very sick, demanding, and abusive mother who wound up in a nursing home. Oh, and did I mention ALL of this fell on my shoulders as Gigi lives 3,000 km away?

I undertook countless hours of work to organize all our mother's financial and real estate affairs, plus dealt with her health situation and medical care. I kept Gigi fully apprised every gruesome step of the way, in writing (e-mail) and through regular phone calls.

At a certain stage, it became very apparent Gigi actually didn't care, and didn't pay any attention to the work I was doing, or the toll it was taking on me. From questions she later started to ask and concerns she started to raise, it dawned on me she either never read, or didn't remember, much of which I had taken such pains to communicate on all fronts (financial and medical) respecting our mother's situation. It was staggering to me, because I had been under the misconception that she would have some sympathy, understanding, appreciation, and support for the burden I was bearing for both of us. Instead, out of nowhere, she started to accuse me of nefarious intentions re: our mother's finances, and alluded to her suspicions that I could be "feathering my nest" at her expense and/or stealing our mother's condo out from under Gigi. The suspicions were totally groundless and I found them extremely insulting, especially in view of the total transparency and level of detail I had been regularly communicating to my sister.

It shocked me to find out that her attitude was basically one of "You could have moved away like me but you didn't, so you're there, you're stuck with it, suck it up, and you better make sure I get every penny of my half of the estate."

So, with the support and help of my wonderful husband, I soldiered on - first dealing with nursing home placements, then our mother's death and aftermath (from a Coroner's investigation as she died in a fire she started by lighting a Christmas candle, through to cremation and then spreading her ashes - Gigi declined involvement); getting the estate settlement underway including liquidating/consolidating a multitude of investments; undertaking the legal/probate process; getting the taxes done; and, packing up/selling her condo contents, cleaning the condo up and then selling it. I even was supoenaed and had to testify in place of my dead mother in a criminal court case (related to a break-in at her condo in 2005). All in all, it was a lot to deal with and handle.

As far as I could tell, all Gigi cared about was getting her hands on her inheritance. She did eventually agree to pay me a few thousand dollars from the estate to recompense me for my work as executor. I wasn't going to fight with her and accepted the figure she proposed, but it's a paltry amount compared to the time and work involved, and especially compared to what it would have cost to have a third party act as administrator for settling the estate (they charge a percentage of the total value of the estate).

I just filed our mother's final taxes for 2010. At some point later this year, I will be able to apply for a clearance certificate from the income tax folks that should enable final dividing of the remaining assets between Gigi and me, knowing the estate owes nothing further.

In the meantime, Gigi's very elderly (almost 80) and severely ailing husband passed away in mid-April. I sent our condolences.

Gigi called me today and it was the first time we've spoken since our mother died. The conversation was fine...until she got to discussing settling her husband's estate. She mentioned all was well organized and that all the proper prep work had been done in advance of his passing, and then, to my complete shock and utter amazement, she added "Aren't we lucky that Mum left everything so clean with her estate!"

I found this statement to be beyond stupid and insensitive. So, to this day, Gigi still doesn't understand that much of the reason we are estranged is because she so minimized, undervalued and dismissed my efforts to look after our mother and protect/preserve both our interests equally regarding the estate. She just does not get it. And even worse, it still pushes my buttons. I know I am far from being over this.

While not wanting to start another squabble, I quickly spoke up and reminded her (once again!) that nothing had been "clean" and how much work I had undertaken to organize everything over many, many months. She dismissively said "Oh yeah, you guys had to decipher all her hen-scratching about her investments" and I responded there was a lot more to it than that! And we both let it drop. Just like I will let the entire sibling relationship drop as soon as have sent Gigi her final inheritance payment. That day can't come soon enough.

Todo bien. (It's all good.)