Embracing My Inner Heretic

I've been mulling over some interesting stuff I've read in the newspaper lately and here on Vibrant Nation (where I also blog)...and it got me to thinking. I realized long ago that, in many respects, I am part of the "normal mainstream" as generally defined by North American society. But in a couple of ways, I really go against the grain.

I've totally refused to embrace, or have shucked off, a couple of key roles in life that most women assume and take forgranted. I was a dutiful and responsible, but not a doting/loving, daughter (some of the reasons are illuminated in previous blog posts, for anyone interested. Suffice it to say I had my reasons). And I rejected childbearing and child rearing as experiences I did not want to have. I just knew it would not be for me.

I found a July 9, 2010 Globe and Mail column by Judith Timson entitled "So you expected kids to make you happy? Get real" really interesting - you can read it at this link:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/so-you-expected-kids-to-make-you-happy-get-real/article1633481/

I especially found the comments on the newspaper website in response to Timson's column absolutely fascinating. One person posted a comment that people who do not want children are simply "messed up in the head" to go against millions of years of evolution that primes us for reproduction of the species. Uh, last time I checked, most humans walk upright now and have more developed brains that they can use to make choices.

In reading Spirit Seeker's post entitled "Kegels and incontinence" and the attached article she linked, I learned the clinical term for my situation - "nulliparous" meaning women who have never had a baby. I like the neutrality of the term versus the more usual description of "childless" or worse, "barren", with its assumptions of an inability to conceive. And don't even think about using the phrase "child free" with its implied condemnation of the choice of those who do have children.

I remember the exact moment I knew with certainty I'd never get pregnant or be a mother. It was grade 8 at Winston Churchill Elementary School in Kingston, Ontario. In "health class" we were shown a very graphic film of a woman giving birth. I mean camera-right-between-the-knees-and-baby-crowning graphic. In the darkened classroom I turned to my best friend, Alison, and whispered "I am never doing that!" She laughed at me and responded "How can you say that? Of course you'll have children, everyone does. Never say never - you can't know what the future holds." But on some deep down level, I really did know I wasn't going to change my mind.

In my early 20's I got my palm read at a Psychic Fair and the palm reader got a weird, worried look on his face. He pulled out a magnifying glass and examined my hands even more closely. Assuming I was going to be upset, he very gently broke the news to me that he did not see any indication that I would ever bear children. I lit up, burst out laughing and said "Don't worry, that's great news!" I could tell he thought it was nuts that a young woman would not be upset to hear there were no biological children in her future.

Please don't misunderstand - I am not anti-children. I just think it's right for other people to have them, not me. People in my life who I love and care about have children, or are having children, and I am happy for and supportive of them.

What I am happy for and supportive of is the choice they have made that is about them and what is right for them. The "nulliparous" choice I made was about me and what was right for me. And to all those people over the years who oh-so-sanctimoniously predicted I'd regret my decision, I never have, not for one nano-second, and know I never will.

Life and the universe had a bit of fun with me after I got my tubes tied at age 30 (took a lot to convince the doc to do it - again, he assumed I would later change my mind and regret the surgery).

My first husband didn't want kids either, but nor did he want a vasectomy, so I had the tubal ligation. A year later, he dumped me for a secretary at work and I was suddenly single. I later met my future second husband (the keeper), but had a few initial qualms about the fact he had two kids. I only moved ahead with the relationship because they lived with their mom and were pre-teen age. I would not have been able to deal with babies or toddlers - no matter how great the guy.

It would be nice if people with children could understand and not take offence that I am as delighted with my choice not to have kids, as they are with their choice.

Todo bien. (It's all good.)